Opinion

Never Trumpers Suffer Yet Another Utter Humiliation

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Posted: Jul 02, 2018 12:01 AM
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Never Trumpers Suffer Yet Another Utter Humiliation

Last week was especially glorious not just because we rejected the latest GOPe amnesty scheme, not just because we defunded the left’s union cash extortion machine with the Janus decision, and not just because Justice Kennedy is leaving to be the swing vote on his retirement community HOA. It was especially glorious because these enormous victories – these latest enormous victories – were the direct result of normal Americans giving the gimps, grifters, and geebos of Never Trump the George Costanza treatment by doing precisely the opposite of our alleged betters’ political instincts.

Everything they told us was wrong. If we had done what they demanded, we would not be revelling in the joy of conserva-victory. We would be resigned to yet another defeat. “But Gorsuch” indeed, you never-been-kissed band of losers.

If we had listened to Never Trump, we’d have voted for Felonia Milhous von Pantsuit and we would not only have Merrick Garland (or worse) on the SCOTUS but now she’d be picking another pinko who agrees with the lib bloc that the First Amendment has hitherto unknown asterisks that prevent conservatives from using it, that a bunch of other rights that aren’t in the Constitution actually are, and that the Second Amendment stuff about not infringing on our right to keep and bear arms really means libs can totally infringe on our right to keep and bear arms. Let’s leave aside our booming economy and crushing ISIS and pulling out of the climate scam and maybe peace with North Korea. Just these two Supreme Court picks makes Trump the most important and successful conservative president since The Big R. And we wouldn’t have any of it if that nattering pack of insufferable sissies had had their way.

But even today, this dwindling band of bow-tied nimrods still whine despite these manifest conservative triumphs. And their numbers grow fewer as the evidence grows in support of an undeniable conclusion: The election of Donald Trump was a conservative triumph of a magnitude we are only beginning to fully appreciate.

A lot of us had our doubts, but Trump assuaged them by doing something we never expected to see a GOP politician actually do – keep his promises. I was hardcore anti-Trump long ago – I was not Never Trump, only Never Hillary. I was loud and proud for Ted Cruz, with zero trust in a New York playboy whose attachment to conservative ideology seemed intermittent at best. I write about my transformation at length, and with considerably more colorful language, in my upcoming book Militant Normals, which drops in October. But suffice it to say that I, as have a bunch of fellow Trump-doubters, came around because Trump performed. He did what he said he would. Promises made, promises kept. He promised winning, and delivered winning, and damnit, we normal conservatives are here to win.

A principled loser is just another kind of loser – an especially annoying kind because he never seems to shut his Zima-hole about his precious principles.

And the remaining rump of Never Trumpers is here to lose. That’s their goal. Team Muh Principles always intended to lose. Oh, they try to play off their objections to the president as purely one of style. It’s because Donald Trump is so…so…so…oh well I never. But their displeasure with Trump’s aesthetic deficiencies is not the sole, nor even the most significant, reason for their fury at the orange-y interloper. They are really mad because, under Trump, these dorks can’t get the White House to return their calls.

Trump threw the Fredocons out of the family business. They are nothing to us. They are not brothers-in-arms and they are not friends. We don’t want to know them or what they do. We’d take them out in a figurative row boat onto Lake Tahoe but we don’t want to be seen hanging around with them.

We ruined their scam. They miss the cruise ships, filled with marks handing over cash to mingle with second-tier scribes from magazines put out by lesser sons of greater fathers that we stopped reading when they stopped mattering. Never Trump wants to once stand on a sold-out cruise ship’s bridge, pale puny arms spread wide, shouting, “I’m a minor duke of the world!” 

They’ve been stripped of their silly status, but that silly status – “Oh, I am an assistant fellow at the Institute to For Conservative Studies and Mailing List Compilation” – was all they had. In the DC milieu they want to return to, they were never kings, or even princes (though they sure dig the hereditary titles vibe), but just minor royalty jealously guarding their little, tiny fiefdoms. Sure, the liberal establishment ran things, but the Professional Cons had their own petty gigs pretending to resist, pretending to care, all the while treading water in a sea of mediocrity and ineffectuality.

That was enough for them though – they got enough money to survive and got occasional talk show invitations, and they were secure in their place. So what if Hillary crushed Jeb! or whoever – who cared? You just ramped up your fake opposition pose and let the subscriptions and donations roll in. But the marks caught on. The Normals went for an outsider who had zero interest in making sure Conservative, Inc., kept humming along. 

Never Trumpers blame Trump (and, by extension, uppity normal like us who dared defy them) for taking that all away, for prying them out of their safe, lucrative sinecures feeding the suckers the line that they were there in the swamp fighting for us. We figured out that they had really reached their own secret truce with the establishment. The official conservative opposition pretended to fight and the establishment pretended it was really an opposition.

The punchline pundits like George Will still cling to the hope that someday, somehow the rubes will fall back into line and things are going to be back to business as usual. Will started the week off by announcing, to great fanfare among the liberals who wish his ilk was still the soft, yielding, useful face of conservatism, that all of us should vote for Democrats in November to show Trump who’s boss. But this conservative insurgency is all about us showing George and his doofus pals who’s boss. It’s not them. Not anymore.

I discuss the Never Trumpers extensively in Militant Normals because their combination of condescension, greed, and betrayal was a huge factor in creating the desperation that turned Normal Americans toward the most unlikely conservative hero imaginable. And in my book, I ruthlessly exploit my ability to use the kind of colorful language that fully describes them and their doings. Preorder it to own the squishes like a boss.

This week was a watershed for achieving the conservative renaissance the True Conservatives™ that populate the dwindling Never Trump movement promised us for decades and never could, and never actually wanted to, deliver. Their response to it, not surprisingly, was more whining about how Trump is icky. How humiliating it must be to wake up every morning as a putative conservative who dreads looking at Twitter for fear of seeing yet another conservative grand slam by the guy who you thought was really dumb and yet who keeps cleaning your clock.

It’s still kind of sad to watch the spectacle of these clowns still making fools of themselves. The liberals never respected them, though they’ll still let them do panel hits on the occasional MSNBCNN show to help out with the narrative, and we Normals don’t care anymore. Never Trumpers are Fredo, except Fredo at least had the dignity to go away.